Priorities, Goals and Myself

The strangest thing about my life the way it is now is looking back on the way it used to be, the person I was and what my expectations of my own life were. I remember, way too clearly, daydreaming about what college life would be like. I half expected it to be a party scene all the time and I half expected it to be completely based on school, grades and me always studying or doing home-work. I think those are the two most common ways people view college. Now that I’m actually living the “college-life” I realize that it’s more about you, the individual and the life you want rather than what college is about. I’ve realized that college can be whatever you want it to be, it’s all about personal choice. That’s a term that has become such a huge part of my vocabulary these past few months. “Personal Choice” because in reality, everything you do truly is personal choice.

Another thing that I’ve always been more than aware of but has never truly mattered more than it has these past few months while I’ve been attempting to figure out my life as a college freshman is the importance of priorities. Sure they were important in high school, but not nearly as much. The college life really did take me by surprise with just how much in control I am of my own life, the people and things in it, and the outcomes of the decisions I choose to make.

I often need to remind myself that while the college experience is important to me, complete with my friends, adventures and insane Friday nights, so is school. School is the reason I am here, and keeping that in mind is the only way I will keep being here, continuing to live this adventure that is currently my life. I need to keep in mind, that I have an end goal and a future I desperately want and that none of that will be plausible if I don’t keep doing what I’ve been doing.

Overall, I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping balanced. I do have my bad days/weeks where I can’t seem to keep myself in check and lose sight of the big picture, but I’ve been doing well in school, and had quite a few insane adventures all the same.

It’s been a crazy adventure these past few months, with the ups and downs, but it sure hasn’t slowed down. The last time I blogged I think it’s safe to say I was not in a good place, but I learned how to turn a bad situation good by branching out, meeting new people, opening myself up and I can say that everything that has happened since then has made me so much happier than I was. I’m finally content in who I am as a person and I think that’s the most important and significant thing that could have happened to me this year.

It has been a while since that last blog, but like I said, it has been a time period of ups and downs and I’m finally in a good place again and I plan on staying at this place for a long time, because I like who I am right now and I love the path that my life is going on. I apologize for my rambling on this post. I promise to blog far more frequently and with real adventures of my life as a college student.

Until then, to everyone who reads this, I hope you’re doing well and have a great night.

<3 Anjali

So many thoughts

This is unreal. The fact that so much can change in such a short period of time and there’s nothing I can do about it. There have been changes for the good and changes for the bad. It’s one of those bittersweet reflections. Although, my current state, both emotional and mental, is one that I wish I could change. The situation, everything that’s happened over the past few days, I just want it to go away.

I often wish for a time machine. I’m pretty sure I wish for one every time I mess up, which at times, is a lot. But at the end of the day, all I want is to be a better version of me, and for people to give me the chance to be that person. But nobody ever does. People just disappear without ever telling me what I did wrong. I don’t know how to fix things when I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how to be a better me when I don’t know what needs changing. Does that make sense? I hope so.

This has not been a good day. In fact, it has not been a good few days. I’m sitting on my bed, with my last final less than twelve hours away and all I want is to go back to how it was. I’ve spent the past two days alone. Why? Because none of my close “friends” will talk to me. Why? Honestly, I have no idea. I do know that I annoy them, or at least one of them. And that’s understandable. But Jo? My roommate/”bestfriend?” Well, let’s just say it’s not the first time she’s bailed when something else that looked better came along.

I like being alone sometimes. And I’m good at it. But sometimes I worry that I’m too good at it. This feeling that I’ve had the past two days, it feels too familiar for comfort. It’s the same one I had at the beginning of senior year of high school and let’s just say that was not a good year.

College was supposed to be different. We were all supposed to be grown up and not playing childish games, not trying to intentionally hurt each other. It was supposed to be good. So why do I feel like nothing’s changed? I can’t relive that all over again. I truly can’t.

But things are going to be better. Why? Because I decided they are. I’m going home tomorrow. I’m taking a breather from my life here, going back to the comfort of my family and home and friends and going back to work for a few weeks. It’s not that long but hopefully it’s long enough. I’m going to recollect and become strong again. I’m at a weak point but it can’t last this time. And I’m going to come back to school and everything’s going to be better. Right? Hopefully all that’s needed is a break. But I guess we’ll see.

Once again, I apologize for such a rambling blog post. It’s just been a hard few days. Prayers/kind thoughts/words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading this and have a good night.

<3 Anjali

It’s a rant night

It’s a ranting kind of night. My roommate’s asleep in her bed and this is one of the first night’s in a really long time that I’ve been able to just sit here and write. Word of warning, this is going to be completely unorganized with no real sense of direction. I just have a lot of things on my mind that I’ve been struggling with putting into words, but I figure I’ll feel better if I finally do it. So here I go.

I’ve made a good group of friends here and I feel close to them, including my roommate Jo who happens to be the only girl for whatever reason, not that I’m complaining. I like my group of friends and how close we’ve all gotten and how fast. But as much as I love my friend dynamic, lately some things have been bothering me.

I always feel like my roommate, who has been my best friend for a while, tries to put me down. Whether it’s intentional or unintentional, and if intentional whether it’s to make herself feel good or not. It still sucks. And I don’t appreciate it. And to be completely blunt, it only happens when someone’s talking to me and she doesn’t like it or when she feels like she’s not getting the attention she “deserves.” Now don’t get me wrong, I love her to death and there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for her. But I’m sick and tired of the tension and stresses between us that I always feel like I need to hide or cover up, or usually, pretend isn’t happening or doesn’t exist. But it does, it very much does. I can feel it especially when I have a bad day or feel especially down and she knows it and seems to almost try to make it worse, again whether or not it’s intentional. I’m sorry that I have issues. I understand that she does too. More than she realizes, and I want to be here for her. But it makes it really difficult when I always feel like she’s trying to tear me down, especially on my bad days or trying to make my problems seem like they’re less important. Also, I feel like she tries to make me seem like the “villain” in all of this. Especially to our friends who then go off feeling sorry for her, forgetting that there’s two sides to everything.

The worst part about all of this is that I’ve become so used to it that I’m just automatically hostile to every one around, including all of our friends. It’s a defense mechanism of sorts, and it paints me as someone I’m not in their eyes and that really frustrates me, but it seems to be my only reaction. I hate that about myself, and if I could change it I would. But it seems to be something I can’t change, at least for right now, and I’m not sure where I would even begin to change it. I just want them to know this isn’t how I really am.

This isn’t very long or exactly “blog” material, in comparison to what it usually is anyway, but I’ve had this on my mind for a while and I needed to get it out. So yeah. I’m attempting to make this night good, before I go to bed and start a whole new day which is going to be better. And I get to go home for Thanksgiving the day after tomorrow :)

So for now, if you’re reading this, have a good night/good day/ good whenever you’re reading this.

<3 Anjali

Late night blogging

It’s 3:06 in the morning/night as I sit on my bed in the dark and type this blog post. My sleep schedule’s completely messed up with the many all nighters I’ve pulled in the past few weeks. But hey, more late night blogging time?

It’s been a good and weird few weeks. I’ve learned a lot. That’s the thing that continues to surprise me about college. You really do learn something new everyday. Some of the things I’ve learned of late?

1) Trust no one. And I mean no one. Not even my best friend or roommate or anyone is worth trusting fully at this point, because watching everyone treat other people the way they do or talk about the things that other people have confided in them or just the way they have two or more completely different sides to them, it’s showed me I need to be smarter. That’s not to say I don’t want to be friends with the people I’m friends with or change the bond that I have with some people. Just that I need to be smarter and not trust people.

2) Have absolutely no positive expectations of anyone. That way no one can let you down. I still hope that certain things will happen or turn out a certain way, but I don’t expect it. I expect far worse, because then I might be a little disappointed but not nearly as bad as it could have been.

3) Have positive expectations of yourself. At least for me, this seems to work. If I expect something of myself to the point where it’s engrained into me, chances are I’ll do it.

4) All nighter’s might not always be a good idea. This one’s fairly explanatory.

5) No one is worth a fake version of me. I’m just me. Changing myself has only ever gotten me in trouble in the past and it’s not even worth it.

6) It’s time to let go of the past. I know everyone told me this about a certain someone for months and months but it only hit me after I got to college. Shit happens and it sucks. And a lot of the time it hurts so much more than you think it will. But I’m finally at the point where I’m happy again. I’ve accepted so much about myself and my life and I’m so content.

I know I say this a lot. But I am truly content. I’ve grown up so much since being here, tried new things and just been a new person. Me, but a new version of me. And while a lot of people don’t like it. I’m so much happier than I’ve been in a long time, and nothing compares to that.

This was kind of a cheesy blog post and I apologize for that, it just felt like a “write whatever comes to mind” kind of night. Now, if only I could get some sleep.

Let’s all have good nights and good days tomorrow. Yes? Yes.

<3 Anjali

The adventure we call college.

It just feels like a blogging day. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it’s a slightly rainy day where I just want to drink my coffee and write my heart out, or maybe it’s because it’s been a slightly off week for me. Either way, I got back from my only class of the day and decided it was a blogging day. So here I am. Sitting here on my freshly made bed, looking out the window at the rain hitting the pond, drinking my salted caramel mocha, about to pour out my heart into a series of words for the world to see.

College is an adventure to say the least. I know everyone always tells you that, but it never truly hit me until I was here, living this adventure. I’ve only been here for about a month and a half and so much has happened. I am truly an adult, who takes care of herself, and sometimes those around her. And that fact in itself is an adventure. I’ve started finding myself, finding people I can trust, things I love and going through the many ups and downs that seems to come with being a freshman in college.

The best part about all of it is, while I have had my fair share of downs since being at college, I am content. I am truly content with my life. Yes, I have my issues. And fair share of problems that needs fixing. But I made it to college. I turned 19 a few weeks ago, I am proud of my decision to attend the college that I am, proud of decisions I have made and how far I have come.

I am only a month and half into this adventure we call college, but I am more excited than ever to see where it takes me.

That’s all for now, it’s home-work and coffee time. Have a great day to all who are reading this.

Anjali <3